I am highly amused today at the thought of being a mother of 4 boys…….a 10 year old and 7 yr old non-biologically related triplets…..tricky. I am amused because I was once deemed infertile and for a long time I was so desperate for a child. Old habits die hard as even now at this stage of the game I still get a little excited every time I think I could still (theoretically) get pregnant. Several of you just gasped and my sister just swallowed her own tongue, no doubt. I can’t help it. I love having children. I loved being pregnant. I love the ones I birthed and the ones I didn’t. All of this is completely absurd when I remember that I didn’t always want kids……in fact we prevented it staunchly for a long time! Oh how times change….how our hearts change along with our minds and our desires…..but I digress.
Today is my 4th son Fritzner’s birthday. He is 7. When we met he was 5. He was so small and sweet and quiet. He was the friend of Mar-Eli (who we knew was ours) and we chose him. It was a grueling choice between him and another friend at the orphanage. It was perhaps the hardest choice we have ever made. Since then we have come to know and love Fritzner, but it has been so hard……..He is a text-book orphan who was “turned in” when he was 19 months old weighing 15 lbs. He was sick and malnourished and covered in scabies. His biological Mom had a healthy 4 yr old daughter she could care for, but she couldn’t get Fritzner well, so she gave him to the orphanage so he could live. Today he is still small for his age….they all are. He is sullen and deep and has serious abandonment issues. He is tough, a survivor. He is leery and cold and does his very best to appear nonchalant, unaffected. But oh how he smiles when he forgets to be on guard……how he laughs so hard when he jumps out from a hiding place to scare me and I scream; how he stares, crying those silent tears every time we leave……. God help me this child has almost taken me out. He has made me second guess and outright doubt my choice. He has caused me to question the very idea of adoption….question my own salvation. He has frustrated me and hurt my feelings and defied me and turned me into a raving lunatic. I have cried and lamented and cursed and shook my fist at the injustice of it all……I have been jealous and mad and impatient. U-G-L-Y with no alibi. Stripped of my “Mother of the Year” award yet again. Dr. Karyn Purvis (renowned adoption psychiatrist) had undoubtedly sensed a disturbance in the force. I keep waiting for her to show up and give me private lessons out of pity for my inept-ness. And yet the Lord is good. He has shown me so much. He has shown me myself and more importantly, he has shown me Himself. He has comforted me and reminded me that I, too, was an orphan before He adopted me as His own. I, too, have suffered with abandonment and distrust. I have purposely tried to appear unaffected and perfectly fine when I was dying on the inside. I have not returned His love. I have shown more attention to other people and other things while He waited patiently for me to love Him back. I have been ungrateful and fearful and selfish and prideful and yet He is good. His love is perfect and He adores me in spite of myself. He has given me great hope and deep love for Fritzner. He has convinced me that a well-timed SSRI is nothing but smart :). He has surrounded me with amazing people who have walked with me and supported me and encouraged me in this adoption as I have stumbled and soared. He is preparing me for what is to come with all my boys and His plans are undoubtedly just right. His redeeming love is enough to save us all from our orphan status, from our emotional scars and from ourselves. Happy Birthday, precious Fritzner. This will be your last birthday in an orphanage….ever.